The 'Letting Go' Complex

This would be probably the most introspective, unprovoked blog posting I have done for some time, but it feels really necessary and important for posting in this location somehow. I have been strongly guided in many actions that sometimes seemed ridiculous in their time but turned out hugely significant - as significance goes in the ego of me! - ultimately in my development and also in my evolution as a person. This feels like one of those times somehow...

My struggle in recent times has been facing the fact that so much of my frustrations with life have been connected DIRECTLY with unhealthy attachments I didn't even know were significant. When I was led to start shedding things, somewhere earlier this year, I began with the academic and the physical ... the obvious 'trappings' as I would call it. Each day I shed some stuff I felt lighter and freer and more and more as myself. I felt myself freeing up, more flexible, more resilient, more buoyant... I kept going.

Next were the 'friendships', again, which I hadn't realised were a burden, not in the smallest way. All my ideas about friendship were blown out of the water, particularly following my 'digging in' at GAIA and recognising that friendship at the very least had to be a two way street and ideally satisfied both parties. This was quite a shocker, actually, and with heavy heart I let loose of those ideas of friendships I'd been settling with and felt myself release yet again.

Then 'things' started coming in; things that I wanted; had only ever dreamed of in fact. It was a shocker; something I still haven't recovered from, actually. But the fact that I'd released stuff, did make room for me to fully engage with the goodness and experience life I wouldn't have been able to appreciate otherwise, I am certain of this.

Still in the process of accepting that abundance is definitely not a myth and indeed is available to who want it... and then new levels of experiences kick in... these ones were now challenging me to look at the pre-conceptions I had had about life and decide how badly I'd want to hold onto them. This is not to say I haven't had this struggle before; I have had, many times within the past couple of years. But this time, it was challenging me to totally let go to uncertainty and not attempt to manage things like follow-up time, responses & reactions,  duties & responsibilities, 'work', etc. etc. It truly was asking me totally to let go, and let things happen, and just accept them happening.

What a tough one. What a biggie! It was so SO inconceivable that I could have been 'wrong' about so many MANY fundamentals. And even as I watched other people hold on to all they knew and felt their resistance, I felt myself in them. I KNEW that I was holding onto ideas that had no bearing on reality; they were constructs... reinforced constructs, but constructs nonethe-very less...

Even now the whole concept of 'applying' simplicity is a challenge; so is ease or least effort, which is what my living hero Deepak Chopra refers to it as... And what about purpose... that when you follow what you are meant to do, pretty much everything smooths its way directly to you and you really don't have anything to worry about currency-wise. It's just shocking how this thing works out.

Now my resistance to these concepts about life - which have proven themselves time and time again - tells me how dearly I hold onto my idea of having control and responsibility for certain things that have been put in my experience, that I took hold as 'mine'. Apparently I held one identity in my mind all along, one where I had some control of events in everyday life, while there was another identity out there in reality land, shaking its head and waiting for me to quit the struggle and embrace it willingly, once and for all. This one had to, KNEW TO, let go of any of my 'responsibility' and do my thing enjoyably and with enthusiasm... guilt free for enjoying things or being satisfied with my existence as it is and having precious little I'd want to complain about.

Now the belief that it could all work; could work out great for everyone just didn't want to come to me. It still doesn't! But each day another 'event' passes and I see that although I couldn't see the possibilities, there were endless diverse opportunities for resolution of most 'problems' which cropped up.

Furthermore, they were, in many cases, directly within arm's reach, which gets more shocking every time.

How much of my frustration could have been linked to my firm, concrete vision for living? How much more of my happiness might have been possible had I known this? How much more of my ego am I willing to give up and hand over to faith? Because I'm satisfied now that I don't have the answers to anything. I only get direction and that's a periodic thing, as required. Accepting that I didn't know the ideal way of doing things was the first letting go complex... then even knowing what was the best thing for my self and my existence became clear to me after the events had happened, so I had no say in the matter, but truly appreciate them happening where they did... and even now the idea of leaving the best result in an emerging situation up to God seems downright scary. But I see I can't control it... I can only just [barely!] control myself.

And so I continue to learn patience and acceptance and belief in the ultimate good result and patiently wait for the day when I have truly included letting go in my choice of action and believe in anything... anything GOOD, that should read :D

Seems like a fitting place to pause now. Some meditation would be in order right about now.

Whoever reads this, please be blessed with it as much as possible and feel free to share with me your own actions in full letting go.

Peace and love to you guys everywhere, sherri